Against the Wind

When I was a kid, I used to ride my bike up and down the country road I lived on quite a bit. Growing up in Southeast Manitoba, there really wasn’t much else to do. I don’t really remember when I stopped doing this. I don’t really know why either, but at some point in almost everyone’s lives, being active becomes a chore for us. But back then, riding my bike up and down the road was just my typical after-school or Saturday activity.

I remember when I went on these rides, I absolutely loved the beginning stretch to the nearest mile road. I was riding with the wind, and everything was easy. But I dreaded turning around and going back home, because that’s the hardest part. Time to ride against the wind. The wind speed always seemed to be significantly higher than it was earlier, and I always got way too tired to bike the whole mile back. Around the 1/2 mile point, I’d start to walk my bike because walking was a lot easier than biking against the wind.

Sometimes I’d be riding my bike against the wind on the beginning stretch. I’d so be looking forward to turning around and getting to ride home with ease. But, when this happened, it seemed like the moment I turned back around to bike home, the wind direction would change again, forcing me to ride against the wind. Again. At this point, I would most likely slop myself down onto the gravel in the most dramatic way possible and proceed to entertain myself for a while by crushing the ants on the road with my fingers. Or possibly eating them. I was kind of a weird kid.

Do you ever feel like life is that way sometimes? Going with the flow is so easy. Nobody likes being different. Everyone feels uncomfortable with being different. We even feel uncomfortable with around different. (Although, lately with the current trend being “hipster”, we feel a little less uncomfortable with different. But then again, it’s not really that altogether different because it’s trendy. Does anyone else find that to be incredibly ironic?) But we still feel uncomfortable being around people that are really different.

There used to be a quote when I was around middle school age that went something like this: “A true friend walks in when everyone else walks out.” I was always really encouraged by this quote because in grades 9-11, it felt like there were a lot more people walking out of my life than walking in. But that’s not the point. The point is the person walking in in this situation was doing something the world would deem as “unpopular”, or “weird”, or “different”. Going against the grain is hard. Doing the unpopular thing is difficult. Being the one who chooses to speak for the ones who are too afraid to speak up isn’t easy. Riding a bike against the wind is tiring.

There’s a small hill in the road just south of my parent’s driveway. At the end of these biking expeditions I went on as a kid, I’d ride my bike up the hill and then ride back down, determined to turn into the driveway without using the brakes. Bad idea, I know. I think I wiped out almost every time. That’s the only time I liked riding my bike against the wind. It felt so good with the wind blowing in my face, causing my hair to blow back like a supermodel’s in front of a fan. It made the wiping out at the end of the driveway a little more bearable. The hill made going against the wind easy.

I believe that’s how it is with being a Christian. The more people I’m exposed to, the more I realize how much being a Christian is going against the grain. Being a church-going, sold-out-for-Jesus Christian isn’t as popular as I thought it was growing up. We’re hated, we’re criticized, and we’re mocked for what we believe in. Many people don’t even understand how we can believe what we do. Last week, I overheard a conversation at my job. Three of my co-workers started talking about “religious” people. One of them mentioned that she’d read through the Old Testament and just couldn’t understand why Christians could believe in a god so evil. But that’s the danger of picking the Bible apart. It needs to be confronted as a whole, not as two different parts. (Even though, I’m pretty sure that happens more than I’d like to think in Christian circles.) To my shame, I didn’t even interject anything into the conversation at all. I just went along with my work and ignored it almost completely. Talk about a slap in God’s face, huh? He handed me a great opportunity for ministry (and quite an obvious one too) and I just nonchalantly handed it back to Him saying I didn’t want it. Not something I’m proud of. Need to work on that.

Just like the hill made going against the wind easy, God makes going against the wind of society easier. Notice how I said easier instead of easy. It’s still not easy. If it was easy, I would’ve taken that opportunity mentioned above and ran with it! It’s still hard. Having God on your side doesn’t mean you’re not gonna get mocked or criticized, but it makes it a little more bearable because through it, you can be sure that the light of Jesus is shining through. Then you end up not caring as much of what other people think. God is very creative. He can use anything to speak to people. That’s something I’ve learned recently. (But that’s for another time.)

I just have to admit, these thoughts are messy (and as usual, I don’t think they’ll even make complete sense to anyone other than me). I still care way too much about what other people think of me, but I’m learning. This is what God’s been teaching me this week. And I’ve still got a lot to learn and a long way to go, but that’s okay.

Because when everyone else walks out, God walks in.





P.S. Actually, here’s a little secret: He was never out to begin with.       

#18: Forgiveness is Hard

#18: What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

Honestly, there’s no easy way to write this post. I haven’t been procrastinating because I can’t think of or decide on the most difficult thing I’ve had to forgive. I’ve been procrastinating because I know precisely what it is, and I’m not totally done the process of forgiveness.

Many people would say the process started about 3 years ago, but that’s not where I’m going to begin. It really only started when I was at Capernwray. The reason people would say it started 3 years ago is because that’s when it happened. I got hurt. Someone hurt me. Someone that I was really close to. In fact, I don’t think they’ll ever fully understand how they hurt me, but they did. Actually, I shouldn’t be pinning it all on them; we equally hurt each other, I believe. But that’s not the point. There’s no reason to divulge what the situation was, or who the situation involved, because that’s not the point either. The point is: we both screwed up, and we both ended up getting hurt somehow.

The reason I believe this process only started when I was at Capernwray was because that’s when it finally hit me how incredibly stupid I was being and how stubborn I was. Have you ever heard the quote “Unforgiveness is like you drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die”? That’s how I was being stupid. I was the one that drank the poison.

Anyway, at Capernwray, in March, we had a week of classes about love and relationships. One of those days, the people giving the lectures taught us all about forgiveness. Man, I had never heard forgiveness explained so clearly in my life! We as Christians are experts at forgiving people intellectually (as in, in our heads). And that’s what I did. I forgave with my mind, but I put up a barbed wire fence around my heart so that no one could get in to see that I had actually not forgiven. (And honestly, I think that that’s where a lot of my insecurities, fears, and trust issues arise from, but that’s a whole other dog-and-pony show.) I, for one, along with other Christians, suck at actually forgiving people in our hearts. And it makes sense. Forgiveness is hard.

When you think about it, it actually takes trust in that person in order to forgive them. You’re trusting that they won’t hurt you again, even if you know that they probably will.

Unforgiveness also puts us in a rather dangerous place. If that person’s asked for forgiveness from God, God has granted his forgiveness, but if we are still too stubborn to forgive them, that essentially means that we think our standards are higher than God’s. Do you seriously think your standards are higher than God’s? It also says in Matthew 6:14, 15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Chew on that for a couple minutes. Dangerous ground to be on.

Notice how I transitioned from talking about my unforgiveness to giving a lesson on unforgiveness? Let’s swing back. I’ve learned that in order to forgive someone, you need to give up two things: 1) the hope that the other person will understand the hurt and pain they put you through, and 2) the hope that the other person will one day pay for what they did.

I’m not gonna lie to you. I still hold onto those hopes sometimes. Instead of hoping in these two stupid things, I really need to put my hope in Jesus. I know that. I’ve been a Christian for a long time, and my hope is not in Jesus nearly as much as it should be. I haven’t arrived. I haven’t reached perfection. I’m terribly flawed. But at least I know I’m learning.

I’m gonna leave you with something that Paul said in my favourite book of the Bible:
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus made me his own. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12-14)