A Rant About Stuttering

I need to rant today.

Things People Should Know About Stuttering:

1. Having a stutter DOES NOT make me less of a person. I have a flaw in the eyes of the world, big whoop, everyone does. Personally, I don't view it as a flaw, I view it as a challenge God has given me so that I can learn to be more dependent on Him.

2. I am NOT LESS CAPABLE of doing my job because I have a stutter. I may not speak as eloquently sometimes as some might hope, but it does not get in the way of me doing my job and being awesome at it.

3. It is not a SMALL problem. It's a big problem. It affects my life, it affects my decisions. I often order things in a restaurant based on whether or not I will stutter over a word. I've learned to quickly replace words during conversation if I know I'm going to have trouble with one. That's not small.

4. It has very little to do with NERVOUSNESS. I stutter because sometimes my vocal cords have trouble getting the word out, NOT because I'm nervous. I stutter in front of people I'm completely comfortable with. It has everything to do with the sound of the word.

5. Personally, the letter I have the most trouble with is J. Which, unfortunately, my name starts with. So if I'm introducing myself and I stutter over my own name, DON'T make a joke about me forgetting my own name. People have done that. Professional people have done that, and it's hurtful.

6. Please do not CORRECT me or HELP me out when I'm stuttering over a word. It's humiliating enough that I can't say a simple word. Don't say the word for me like I'm a child that doesn't know the word. I'm 21, I probably know the word. Let me get there. Teachers have done this.

7. This is one of the reasons I don't like to pray out loud. Yes, I know that God can understand what I'm trying to say, but He can also understand me when I pray silently. In my head.  

8. Listing off names of famous people who stuttered is NOT COMFORTING. I don't want to hear about Winston Churchill or that movie with Colin Firth. Different person, different situation.

9. Yes, I've tried speech-therapy-type things. Including that little "reading out loud every day" thing that helped Noah get over his stutter in the Notebook, so don't mention it.

10. And please don't say it's adorable. It's not adorable to me.


That is all, carry on.

A Very Present Help

I haven't written in a while. Not because I haven't had much to write about, rather I've had an abundance of things to write about, but none of which I felt like sharing with the world. I haven't wanted to write. But today I will. Because today I have something say.

I had a good day. Better than I've had in a while, for reasons I don't wish to discuss. I made it to my 8:30AM chemistry lab, where I actually had fun with the experiment for once. (Bonus: I also didn't set anyone or anything I wasn't supposed to on fire.) Afterwards, I got some coffee, had some food, and read about a third of the book I'm currently reading. I went to my chemistry lecture, where I actually was focused and attentive, and I understood everything my professor was teaching. I was home by 3 o'clock in the afternoon, where I received a letter telling me that I was granted a bursary of a good chunk of money for my student loan debt.

I went throughout my entire school day without once thanking God for my good day.

Why didn't I? After all, it was Him who created the interesting chemical reactions in lab. It was Him who made sure I didn't set anyone on fire. It was Him who provided the funds to buy the coffee, and the food, and the book. It was Him who directed my focus and helped me understand the lecture. It was ultimately Him who provided the bursary at an imperative time. When you chop it up and slice it and put it in a box, it was because of God that I had such a good day.

Then I read the news.

There was a terrible, awful, horrible, tragic event that occurred in our nation's capital. A young soldier was shot and killed, only 24 years old. That's only 3 years older than myself. He served and honored his country, he had a family. Another life taken too soon. So I felt compelled to pray for his family. This verse came to mind:

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

(Psalm 46:1)

God is a very present help in times of need. He does not abandon, He is not weak. I was struck by how appropriate this verse was regarding the situations in the world, and the situations in my own life. Within all the chaos, all the confusion, all the pain, all the hurt, all the trouble, God is present. That's something I take for granted. That is something I forget. And I'm positive that the word 'we' would also work in those two sentences. But... 

This God - his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

(Psalm 18:30)

We have a refuge, we have a shield, we have an oasis. Some situations (or days) can be terrible, we might think we're going crazy, we might think that nothing feels right. Life might feel tragic. But God is perfect, and He is present. That doesn't mean there's no chaos. Or confusion. Or pain, Or hurt. Or trouble. Or tragedy. It just means that there is a calm and there is a peace. 

It's kind of laughable how something I skimmed over last week is relevant for what I need today. I remembered a vision of sorts, or a picture, that someone received for me during prayer once at bible school. I have it written down somewhere I think, but it just popped into my mind last week, kind of without warning. In the "vision", I was running around in circles, trying to do multiple things at once and trying to balance every situation in my life. It was chaotic. I noticed that there was a wall and that Jesus was sitting there against it, watching me run around, trying to manage everything by myself. I asked Him why He wasn't helping me, but all He did was motion for me to come and sit beside Him. So I did, and we just sat and watched all the chaos together. I come from a rather conservative Mennonite background, where visions and things are kind of taboo, but apparently this one really stuck with me throughout the years. 

The point was, sometimes the way Jesus helps is by sitting with us and watching the chaos happen. That's a place where we can find peace. Some may argue that it's still too early in the year to talk about this verse, but it's encouraging anytime of the year.

...and his name [Jesus] shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace

there will be no end.

(Isaiah 9:6-7, excerpts)

Jesus is the prince of peace. AND He is a wonderful counselor. AND one day, peace will be forever and the chaos will be gone. 

Want some more good news? Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday, and He'll be the same tomorrow again. Good day or bad, He is present.