The Account of My Discontentment

Wow, I've been a thoroughly bad blogger this past month. But in my defense, my computer hasn't quite been working as well as it usually has for a while. Long story short, my laptop is currently getting fixed somewhere while I sit here at home typing this post on the loaner one that Best Buy gave me.

I realized that I haven't posted something in almost a month! And April has been a frantic month, filled with all sorts of things to share with everyone. I'll probably share over a few posts...

First thing... we have some pre-season staff that have come in! I've only known a few of them for two days now, but they are awesome people. Just hilarious, and we have a good time together. I also finally have a roommate! Chantale! (Only for a month because my last day is at the end of May.)

The main thing I wanted to talk about was my trip back to Capernwray! It feels like it was a long time ago, but I only got home last week Tuesday. It was so different. It was weird going to a place that felt so familiar, but it also felt like all the "wrong" people were there. First off, there were more than just 3 males there this year. There's an even amount of girls and guys, so that made for a whole new atmosphere. It was fun talking with some of the students there this year about the places they've been (or the lack of places they've been, in one guy's case).

It's funny how even when you're not expecting it at all, God speaks to you. (Honestly, I'm surprised that I'm still surprised about this anymore because it's happened a lot.) When I left for Capernwray, I knew that I was wanting to go back there because I wanted to be spiritually revived. If I'm being completely honest, I've been going through a serious case of spiritual dryness for the past who-even-knows-how-long. I have ups and downs. (Well, I mean, everyone does.) During my up moments, I really shouldn't make decisions. My hair is a dark shade of purple right now because of a spontaneous and not-so-thought-out decision I made when I was having a really up kind of day. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. Honestly, I'm not sure entirely sure of the point I'm trying to make...

The day I arrived at Capernwray, I prayed and asked God to speak to me. I wanted to hear His voice, because it seemed like I hadn't heard it for a long time. (Although now, looking back, it's more like I wasn't really listening for it.) All I really wanted was for Him to say something that would bother me. I don't mean bother me in a bad way either. I mean bother me in an I-can't-sleep-because-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-it, this-is-gonna-revolutionize-my-way-of-thinking kind of way. And let me tell you, God delivered. The very first morning.

Thursday mornings at Capernwray are men's and women's devotion times (that's where we get Mennonite and separate into genders and have a devotion time together, as different genders). My friend Janaya (she went for year 2) was leading it that Thursday and she talked about contentment. Now, when I first heard the topic of the devotion, I pretty much shrugged it off because I didn't think I had an issue with not being content. (At Capernwray last year, a huge thing that I was learning was stepping out of my zone of comfort and contentment in life, so I thought my problem was that I was too content with my life.) But the thing that I realized about myself is that I'm not. I don't even remember the last time I was content in life. For years and years, I lived in the past. I would relive past memories, past mistakes, and past regrets. Then I was convicted of this self-destructive way of living, lived in the present for a very brief period of time between Capernwray and summer, then I moved on to living in the future. And I haven't been content since. I'm always looking to the future. The moment I arrive at the next step in my life, I'm looking for the next thing I'm gonna do.

Yes, living in the past is self-destructive, but living in the future is just as much I think. I'm missing out on the awesome opportunities that God has for me right now. Right here in this very moment. This is an area of my life that really needs work...

That's all I'm going to write for tonight, because honestly, what I just wrote doesn't even fully make sense to me, I'm not even sure if I got my point across, or made a point at all, and it's late, and I'm really tired. But my next post I'm going to write about going to see the Watoto Children's Choir while in Quebec and the bothersome thoughts I got from that. (Once again, not bothersome in a bad way.)

I Need A Reason to Sing

when the pieces seem too shattered

to gather off the floor

and all that seems to matter

is that I don't feel You anymore

is that I don't feel You anymore

 

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

the whole world in Your hands

I need a reason to sing

 

when I'm overcome by fear

and I hate everything I know

if the waiting lasts forever

I'm afraid I might let go

 

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

the whole world in Your hands

I need a reason to sing

 

will there be a victory?

will You sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

will You sing it over me now?

 

will there be a victory?

will You sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

will You sing it over me now?

 

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

the whole world in Your hands

that is a reason to sing

 

when the pieces seem too shattered

to gather off the floor

and all that seems to matter

is that I don't feel You anymore

 

- All Sons & Daughters -



Off My Chest

I don't normally like to complain to other people (with the exception of my family), but if I don't get these emotions off my chest, they could be self-destructive.

Do my suggestions matter at all? Does my voice matter at all? Do my opinions matter at all to some people? I might as well just stop voicing my thoughts to other people because they don't give a crap about what I think. It's all about them.

Can I do anything right? Because everything I do seems to be in need of modification.

What is the point in even trying? I can't see it.

Seriously.

Thank you. Goodnight.

#13: Weaknesses

#13: Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

1) Stutter
- I know what you're thinking, I shouldn't have this down as a weakness. But I do. And it's a huge weakness for me... why? Because my stutter has hindered me in doing things that I'd love to do in life. It's also just a nuisance, especially when the one word I stutter on the most is my own name. Like how dumb is that?

2) Allowing my past to define me
- I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, things I regret. And one of my hugest weaknesses is that I allow the things from my past to haunt me, and even worse define me. It's something that God and I are working through though, but it's taking a while...

3) Not trusting people
- Anyone who really knows me, knows that I don't like to open up to people. I don't trust people easily. It's really hard to earn my trust, but it's incredibly easy to lose it. I put this one under weaknesses because I haven't quite decided if this one is actually a weakness or if it's a strength.

4) Pessimist, right here
- Okay, I'm not totally a pessimist, but I'm somewhere in between being a pessimist and a realist. I tend to be a wrost case scenario kind of person, but I also often view things in a very realistic way.

5) Obsessive Comparison Disorder
- I have a problem with comparing myself to every one else. Not in a superior way, but in an inferior way. Like I'm not as pretty as her, I'm not as knowledgable in the Bible as him, I'm not as interesting as her... etc. It's a problem.