This isn’t the potential thought-provoking post that I had intended to post next, but this is part of a musing I’ve had recently and this is what you’re going to get. I feel like I need to share this. This is part of the learning process, part of the forgiveness process that I mentioned a few posts ago. I don’t want to feel ashamed of the struggles I’ve had because of this, but I also don’t want to be judged.
Three years ago, I got dumped. I honestly don’t know how else to say it. I tried to make it sound more elegant, but it really can’t be done. Now, I’m going to stop some thought processes right in their tracks because I know how some people think. “Wow, three years ago? That’s a while.” “She’s still moaning about him?” “Shouldn’t she be over that by now?” Yes, to all three answers. (Okay, maybe only a partial yes to the second one because moaning isn’t even close to the right word in describing what I’m feeling.) But I don’t want to feel ashamed that that’s my answer. In fact, I don’t need to feel ashamed that that’s my answer. I’m pretty sure that there are people out there who have been holding grudges for way longer than that and aren’t even close to confessing them yet, and I know that there are people out there who still struggle with things that happened to them a long time ago.
As I mentioned in my previous post pertaining to this subject, both of us got hurt in the process. I am not a victim; that’s something I learned in that first year. I did things that I’m not proud of, and said things that I wish I could take back. That’s part of the hurt, that’s part of the struggle. But the main hurt that I experienced because of all this was from simply not understanding. I didn’t understand how someone could change that way. I didn’t understand how someone could just leave. I didn’t understand how a person could just wake up one morning and decide not to love another person anymore. But I think I’ve realized now that it was never about any of those things.
It was about growing up. It was about living in a passionate way. It was about following your dreams. I blamed him for a long time for changing, for not being the person I thought he was, when, really, he was the one that was constant. When he talked about his future, it was wedding bells, marriage, kids, family camping trips and being a dad. That was his dream, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s quite wonderful actually. I was like that too once. But then, things changed. I changed. I was the one that changed. When I think about my future, I don’t think about being a wife, or being a mother, or having a family. I think about living in different places, pursuing things I love, and making a difference in the world. I think about simply just living. That’s my dream, and there’s nothing wrong with it. People have different dreams. It’d be a stupid and chaotic world if everyone had the same dream. And I just didn’t fit into his dream, just like he didn’t fit into mine. I understand that now.
I actually have this new-found respect for what he did. He didn’t settle. He didn’t put his own dreams on hold to cater to mine. He was zealous. I respect that. And I forgive him. After so long, after having pseudo-forgiven him so many times, I can actually say with confidence that I forgive him now. Even if everything I’ve just said is dead wrong, even if the reasoning is completely different on his part, I still forgive him.
Just like loving someone is a choice you have to make, being hurt is too. I choose not to be hurt anymore.
One of my absolute favourite people in the entire world said this…
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
Yes, that was John Lennon. And yes, I’m obsessed. But it’s still true.
That’s all for this post. It’s totally okay if no one followed my train of thought or if anyone could even make sense of what I was saying, because that wasn’t in the intent of this blabbering. This was mostly for my benefit. Simply just writing my thoughts out doesn’t get it out of my head like it does for some people. In order for it to completely get it out of my head, I need to to let someone else in. That’s where you guys come in.
Thank you for reading my thoughts, my ramblings, my musings, my rants, and my down-right weirdness. Until next time!
