Impossible Prayers

2017. 

We're only one month into this new year, yet it has been interesting. I won't go into any kind of detail, but the last month, if I'm being honest, hasn't been easy. In fact, due to several things that have happened, I kind of feel like my life has been turned upside down. But luckily, my world doesn't have to be right-side-up in order for God to work. 

A couple weeks ago I was really challenged in my prayer life. I've always been more of a "passive" person of prayer, meaning I'd pray when I needed something (but nothing too spectacular) and I'd thank God for things in my life. However, I hardly ever prayed for huge things. I realized that the mindset I had stemmed from a sense of disbelief. I genuinely did not believe that God could answer some of my prayers, and sometimes it felt irrational to ask. I wouldn't pray about things that seemed utterly impossible. Yes, it is a ridiculous notion because nothing is impossible with God, but my human brain couldn't wrap itself around the idea that He could actually make these things possible. 

So cut to the third weekend in January. I was just starting to come out of my "winter blues", which, in my life, is a time ranging from around the middle of November to the beginning of January where I experience more depression than usual. I was listening to a sermon on breakthrough prayer and the pastor challenged us to make a list of things to pray for, and to put anything on the list that came to mind. He then challenged us to spend time praying for those things every day, and to not give up on them, to not get discouraged if we don't see answers right away. I went home and wrote down five things. 

And then I kid you not, the very next day, a massive wrench was thrown into one of the things I was praying for. I remember driving to the city and thinking "Okay God, you told me to pray for this impossible thing and it seems to be getting more and more impossible each day. What are you doing here?" Then God reminded me of something that had popped up on my Instagram feed a week before. A verse where Jesus states, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand" [John 13:7 NIV]. That gave me some peace for the time being. 

I'm still praying for the five things. Some of them still seem impossible to me. But I know that sometimes it takes months, years, and even decades to get some big answers. In the last week or so however, I have discovered something. While we're waiting for the big answers to come, God throws in some little things that we weren't even asking for. For example, I have prayed numerous times over for God to take my anxiety away, but that hasn't happened. However, answers to that can come in many forms. Sometimes I get to experience His unmistakable peace in moments where my mind feels like chaos. Sometimes I have whole days, or even weeks, where I don't feel anxious at all. I used to have panic attacks frequently, but I haven't had one in four months. I used to take these things for granted; I don't anymore. 

The other thing is, sometimes God uses the situations from some prayer requests to answer other ones. I have experienced that in a big way this past month. One of my five big things I'm praying for is to experience more joy in 2017. And despite everything that's been going on, I have experienced more joy. I've been meditating on James 1:2 because it seemed like an obvious choice to me. Without even knowing what I was doing, my best friend sent me the next three verses one day. And my mind was just kind of blown by what God was saying.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking." [James 1:2-5 NLT. Emphasis is mine.] 

So lesson learned here? Don't be afraid to ask God for big things. He may not give you those big things, but all His gifts are good and He gives them abundantly.  

Like Stars in the Sky

"What is God's will for my life?"

That is probably the most common question I've heard from other Christians, and one that I have so many times wondered myself. We sit and ponder what God is doing with our lives and ask this sort of question. What is His will for me? What is my purpose in life? Should I apply for this job? Should I take this class or that one? Should I save my money for a vacation? Should I date that person? All the should I questions that only become what if's when a decision is made. What if this isn't God's will for me? What if I'm not on track? What if I chose the wrong career path? What if I never get the job I want? 

When thinking about all these questions I noticed they are all questions of guidance and direction. We are so obsessed with directing our life to look the way we want it to look. But maybe that's not what God is talking about when He speaks of His "will". Maybe how our life physically turns out doesn't ultimately matter. I think we all want it so desperately to matter because that's all we know, that's all we see. However I believe God's will goes much deeper than that. I think it has much less to do with what He wants you to do, and more about who He wants you to be. 

I recently sat down and had a conversation with someone who was quite disgruntled with their life. When they took a look at their life, they couldn't understand how this was God's plan for them. I, too, wonder the same thing sometimes. When things aren't going your way, when everything in your life seems chaotic at best, it's hard to imagine what kind of plan God is working on in the background. That's why I think God's will for someone's life goes way beyond circumstances and life outcomes. God's will for my life is to shape me into the kind of person He has planned for me and He uses life circumstances to do this. I admit, sometimes the things that come our way in life don't make sense and you can't imagine how God can use this to shape you into a better person, but He does. 

That's why verses like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 actually make sense: 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 

Being someone who rejoices, prays, and is thankful is part of God's will for us. (If you read the few verses previous, Paul also talks about things like patience, encouragement, living peacefully, and seeking good. I'm inclined to believe all these things apply as well.) 

I'm not going to lie and pretend that I have this whole thing down pat because I really don't. These things are genuinely hard things to do sometimes. I struggle with anxiety and a little bit of depression, trust me, rejoicing always isn't easy. Praying continually is difficult in a world that is so noisy. And being thankful in everything is hard when everything seems daunting. 

This is challenging, but I continue to really really love these verses. Why? Because I love practical things. These aren't big theological concepts that I read and have to figure out, these are actual things that I can live out in my day to day. So I thought I would share a little bit about how God has used this to teach me something. 

Rejoice always. This is probably the one of the three listed that I struggle with the most. I'm not really a naturally jovial person. In fact, I even remember when I went to summer camp during junior high and we were talking about the fruits of the Spirit. My counselor asked us which fruit we thought we could see most in our lives and least in our lives and even back then I could recognize that joy was the one I saw least. God has taught me, however, that true joy does not come from any person or any circumstance, but it comes from Him. I know, this seems like a thing I should've learned long ago, but it's still something God has to remind me of often. The world has conditioned us to believe that we can't truly find joy in life unless we measure up to this impossible standard that society has set for us. But this is blatantly false. The most genuinely joyful people I've ever met are often those who have very little in terms of worldly assets but have an abundance of Christ.

"For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings, I will sing for joy." (Psalm 63:7) 

Pray continually. When I visited St. Joseph's oratory in Montreal, I bought myself a little souvenir rosary. I didn't really know what it actually symbolized when I bought it, but I thought it looked kinda cool and I had seen them around all over the place. For Catholics, the beads act as a reminder to pray. For each bead on the string there is a specific prayer that's supposed to be recited. I came to really like the idea of a prayer reminder, so I hung my rosary from the rear-view mirror of my car. This has actually been very helpful for me because anytime I feel very overwhelmed or upset or worried about something (which usually happens when I'm in my car because I drive a lot) I see the beads with the cross hanging from my mirror and think to myself, "I need to declutter my brain and talk to God about this".

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." (Proverbs 12:25)

"Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Being thankful in everything. This one is hard for me because I have a natural inclination to complain about things, and grumbling comes from a place of ungratefulness. One thing I've been challenged to do is actually writing down things I'm thankful for. Most recently, I felt challenged to write down reasons I am thankful for people who frustrate me before I begin praying about my frustrations. (That one is particularly difficult and truthfully, it hasn't been going as well as it should be.) Although, because of all this, I think God has been opening my eyes to see things in a different way. I think about people differently when I try to focus on the reasons I'm thankful for them. I think about life situations differently when I try to weed out the good things that could be happening or going on behind the scenes. 

1 Thessalonians also is not the only place that Paul talks about these three things. In Philippians, he speaks about "rejoicing always in the Lord" and giving everything to God in "prayer and supplication with thanksgiving" (4:4-6), And as I've said before, I believe that if something is repeated multiple times, its importance should be multiplied as well.  

So why is this important? I think the answer to that question lies in Philippians 2:14-16: "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life." 

We certainly do live in a crooked and twisted society, and one day we will be free from its grasp, but until then God is using us to shine a light. Ultimately, that's what God's will is all about - being a witness to those around us, becoming people that radiate Jesus and His love. 

My absolute favourite part of the above passage is the image of being a star. Shining like stars in the sky. It really says something about God's ability to use anything in our lives for His ultimate glory because so often we see a star's brilliance in darkness. 

Lastly I uncovered something very interesting as I was looking up and pondering that passage. The Greek word used for 'star' or 'light' in that passage is only used one other time in the Bible... and it is found in Revelation 21:11 as John describes his vision of seeing the new Jerusalem coming down out of heaven, "having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel". Paul used the same word to describe us as John did to describe the new Heaven and Earth waiting for us at the end of time. And that's pretty awesome!

Keeping God in a Box

I was reading an article about doubt on the Internet a while ago (as in, about a year ago because that's when I wrote this). It was actually an extremely insightful article. I'll link to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it.

If I'm being completely honest with the world, I would have to say that doubt is one of the top things I have struggled with in my life. I not only grapple with it on a spiritual level, but also on a personal and relational level as well. But for the sake of everyone reading this, and myself, I only want to talk about spiritual doubts.

Doubt isn't a topic that's easy to talk about with other Christians. I'm aware that everyone has doubts or has had doubts at some point in their spiritual walk, I can say that with certainty. But there's still a stigma in the church about doubting. You feel like your faith is weaker than others, you feel like others are judging you because of your doubts. I've even encountered some people that have this mindset that doubting will eventually lead to abandoning the Christian life. Unfortunately, sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. I personally think doubting is a really healthy thing for a Christian to grapple with. It challenges you to search for answers, it challenges you to examine your own life and faith, it challenges your view of who God is.

So why am I writing about doubt? Over the past year, I've come to partially realize why I doubt. Probably the most prominent reason why I doubt is because throughout my entire life, right from birth until writing this now, I've known nothing else but Christianity. I grew up with Christian parents. I went to church, Sunday School, and youth every week. I went to bible camp every summer. I even grew up in a very unique area of the world where Christianity was just a regular part of life, a lot of my teachers and classmates identified as Christians as well. My whole life has been saturated with Christianity. Even during my rebellious moments of middle school, high school, and young adulthood, I've always had this incredibly clear voice in the back of my mind distinguishing what was biblical and what wasn't.

Now let me ask you this: did you notice how I only talked about Christianity, and not about God? That's because I grew up with a general idea of who God was (more like what God does), and it took me until after I stepped out into the world on my own to discover that my idea of God was flawed. I could put my relationship with Him and knowledge of Him in a box and label it "Christianity".

Here's the number one thing I've learned about God over the past four years: He doesn't like being in a box. Boxes are confining and limiting. Have you ever tried putting something in a box that doesn't fit in it? I have. When I was packing last spring, I stuffed a blanket and some sheets into a box and taped it up. Almost immediately the box ripped open from the pressure because it couldn't contain how much was in it. God is too big for my box.

Most of the time boxes are used for storing things we hardly use. I have a boxes of stuff in my room full of sentimental things that I only peruse every couple years. God is too important to just be something that we take out of a box and tinker around with on a Sunday morning, Thursday night, or one week during the summer.

The whole boxes topic was on my mind constantly last spring, around Easter. And I realized something interesting. God doesn't like being put in a box, but He put Himself in one for us. The human body could be considered a type of box, a type of confinement. This big, huge, all-powerful, all-knowing, supernatural being put Himself in a tiny little body that needed to remember to eat, sleep, use the washroom, and could only travel so far in a day. Talk about confining! The apostle Paul addressed this concept in Philippians, writing "Though he [Christ Jesus] was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross" (2:6-8 NLT).

Not only did He lower Himself to life as a human, He also experienced death as a human. He boxed Himself in a human body, and then He boxed Himself into a human grave. But do you remember what I had mentioned earlier about my box of blankets and sheets? My box couldn't hold them in.

And the grave couldn't hold in Jesus.

So what exactly am I trying to say? My idea of God was that He was something I could stuff into a confining space and because of this, I viewed God as small. Too small to handle any big thing in my life, like BIG doubts. But this is something I have now experienced as blatantly false. God is too big and important for my box, but my doubts and questions aren't too big for Him.

Until next time,
Jay


Here's the article I mentioned:
What to Do When Wrestling with Doubt

I'm Thankful For...

It's American thanksgiving, which means it's the time of year to reflect on what we are thankful for. So here is a list of things that I'm thankful for this year (in no particular order, of course):

1. Exceptionally good music 

2. My squad of wonderful humans - Thank you for being great, thoughtful, hilarious, and fun people.

3. Psychology of Personality class at school - I have learned many things about myself through taking this class, as well as many things about people I know. This class has taught me to view myself, other people, and the world differently. Never thought that a university course could impact my life so much. 

4. Coffee - because obviously. 

5. Being privileged enough to live in a country that is free and safe and awesome - YAY CANADA

6. A new cell phone that has all working buttons 

7. A new-to-me car that gets me from home to university without any hassles 

8. Family that supports me, despite my constant status of being a "poor university student" 

9. The tools and resources I have access to and use to manage my school stress and anxiety issues 

10. Really good books for when I need a day off from the hum-drums of reality 

11. Really good movies for when I need a couple hours off from the hum-drums of reality (*coughs* I'm lookin' at you, Marvel) 

12. The many, many, many bursaries I was given this semester - A significant burden of financial stress has been lifted off me because of these 

13. A brain with the capability of understanding complex topics and memorizing way too many things 

14. A creative mind for when I need to pull out an overwhelming amount of thoughts from my head and onto a page in a way that is readable and, maybe even, enjoyable 

15. Smitty's chicken wings 

16. Very good professors, whether they are just very helpful or very eccentric or quite possibly crazy (and a TA that marks approx. 150 exams and posts the marks within two hours of the exam - God bless you Sparks) 

17. All the basics: food, clothing, shelter, health, money 

And last but certainly not least... 

18. Jesus - because let's face it, none of the above things would be a reality without You  

Some thoughts on peace & prayer

Dear readers,

Today I want to talk about peace.

I'm not talking about the kind of peace John Lennon sang about, or the kind of peace pacifists are passionate about. The kind of peace I'd like to write about is the kind that can only be found in the still places.

When I worked at camp, I remember some of the most memorable moments for me were when I'd get up early (about an hour or so before morning staff meeting) and I'd go sit outside, usually on the steps of the boathouse or against the rock climbing wall. Mornings at camp were so quiet and peaceful, and the lake just looked so still. I would take in these moments before the craziness of a camp day began. I found it so easy to connect with God when it was so quiet. I mean, one of the most famous verses from the Bible is Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."

About two months ago, I had gone back to Cedarwood for a young adults retreat and I woke up at 6AM the first morning of the retreat for some reason, so I decided to do what I used to do, Mind you, this was in March and in Manitoba, so it was still dark outside and I didn't want to go sit outside in the cold and in the dark. I ended up sitting on the steps of the lodge for a while and I watched the sun come up. I experienced the same kind of peace that I had known previously at camp before a hectic day. (I lived in the city for the past two years and let me tell you, peace and quiet in the city is almost non-existent. I really cherished this moment at camp.)

What I have just written about isn't even the kind of peace I wanted to write about, though the two are closely related. Imagine the peace found near the lake at camp and put it on the inside. That's what I want to talk about, the kind of peace you experience on the inside: God's peace.

Have you ever asked people to pray for you in a certain situation that's going on in your life? Whether it be for work, school, family, friends, finances, faith, or relationships. People are always talking about how they want to see answers to their prayers, or how they saw their prayers impact someone's life, or how they prayed to see a change in someone's life. What some fail to remember is that not all answers to prayer are things you can see.

Recently, I had been having a not-so-good day. I was at school in the city and I was feeling weighted down by the pressures of life. My friends and I have a continuous group chat going on our phones and most of the time it's used to send funny pictures or tell stories about our days, but from time to time, we used it as a means to communicate our prayer requests and such to one another. So on this particular day, I sent off a vague request for prayer and my friends responded fairly quickly that they would indeed pray.

Now I know that sometimes when people say they are praying for you, they don't actually pray for you, but I also know that God does not require physically spoken words in order to hear our prayers. Anyway, I knew I was being prayed for one way or another. I had never before in my life actually felt the difference, but this time I did.

Now, the pressures of life that I was feeling and experiencing before I asked for prayer didn't just magically go away. In fact, it's kind of hard to explain what exactly I felt. This is what I wrote in my journal later that day: "I definitely wasn't all better suddenly, but there was a change. A noticeable change. I wasn't miraculously better, but I felt... lighter. Like I wasn't the only one carrying the load anymore."

What I experienced on my not-so-good day was what I think the peace of God feels like. There's a noticeable calmness or stillness inside that just simple wasn't there before.

After writing all this, I must admit that I'm not entirely sure whether this was more about the peace of God or the internal power of prayer, but I'll leave you off with a few things to chew on:

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. (1 Peter 5:7)

Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. (James 5:13,16)

Until next time,
J

P.S. My friends are wonderful, thank you so much for all your prayers.

Spinning Plates: A Short Story

Spinning Plates: A Short Story

She had a dream one night that she was on a stage surrounded with spinning plates on wires, sort of something you would see on an old episode of Ed Sullivan. Her job was to keep the plates spinning, making sure that none of them hit the ground. She was running around fixing the wires constantly so the plates would keep on spinning. None of them could wobble, none of them could fall.

She was exhausted from all the running. She couldn't take it anymore, the fatigue was too great. She collapsed on the floor and blacked out.

When she awoke from her fainting, she expected to see all the plates broken on the floor, but instead she saw a man. And the plates were still spinning. The man came toward her and said, "Come now, let's go sit in the audience seats for a while." He helped her up and started guiding her to a seat.

"I can't sit down," she said, "I need to make sure the plates keep spinning. I don't want them to fall, I can't afford for them to break."

"Nonsense," the man told her, "you sit down and rest. I'll make sure they don't fall."

They sat down together in the front row of audience seats. They watched the plates spin together. Some of them wobbled a bit, which made her very nervous, but the man would lift his hands in their direction and it would become steady again.

Suddenly, they heard a loud crash from the far left of the stage. A plate had fallen to the ground, but luckily had not broken. She sprung off her seat and ran towards it. The man followed close behind. "Oh no," she said, examining the plate in her hands, "this plate's got a chip in it."

The man examined it as well. "You're right, but it's okay, the plate will still spin." They held the plate together, placed it back on the wire, and spun it.

Another crash sounded at the far right of the stage. She went running toward where the sound was and gazed upon the shattered plate in front of her. She knelt down and cried. "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I've failed. The plate is broken. What now?"

The man started picking up the shattered pieces. "Oh well, we'll just have to glue all the pieces back together, won't we?"

"That's impossible," she replied through her tears, "even if we could pick up all the tiny little pieces, there's no way the plate could spin again. There's no point."

"Nothing is impossible." The man started to glue the pieces back together, one by one. Feeling a bit more encouraged, she helped the man with the pieces and the glue.

Soon the plate was back together. Sure, there were cracks and some chips missing, but at least it was together. "Come on now, let's see if it will spin." The man held the plate up to her and she took the other side. "Okay, on three. 1...2...3."

They spun the plate on the wire and sure enough, it kept spinning.

Pinterest-style encouragements...

For those, like myself, in need of encouragement and/or advice today, here is some. 

Courtesy of Pinterest. 

Now continue on with your evening.

Flashback Friday Post: Keep Your Eyes on Me

Originally posted October 15, 2011 as "Walk on the Water"

The air was very crisp. The breeze coming off of the lake was cool, just a hint of the temperature of the water. The waves were softly crashing against the boat I found myself in. The boat was gently rocking, as if it was rocking itself to sleep.

 One look up at the sky and I knew what to expect in the near future. Dark clouds were forming in the lowest places of heaven. The crackling of thunder haunted the other side of the lake, my destination. Suddenly, a streak of lightning shot through the pitch black canopy above my head.

  I needed to get to safety. I looked ahead; the storm threatened what lay in my future. I looked behind; the storm taunted what I put in the past. There was no way out of this storm.

The waves turned from softly crashing to violently galloping at the sides of my boat. The crisp air turned into a musky fog. The breeze turned into a full-force wind that had the temperature of death in it. It was freezing.

I saw a figure walking towards me, within the storm. At first I thought I was going crazy, that it was only a figment of my imagination. The storm was making me think things that I shouldn't. The storm was giving me one more reason to fear.

But this was real.

“Come out onto the water.” He said to me. “Come out onto the crashing waves.”

I was frightened. “Are you insane? I can’t leave this boat. I’ll drown!”

That’s when I saw him fully. He was walking on the water. “Come out into your storm. Just keep your eyes on me and I’ll keep you safe.”

I stepped out onto the rolling waves. To my surprise, I didn't sink. I kept my eyes on him.

I began to look down at my feet. Surely enough, I was walking on the water towards this man that I never knew. Or maybe I did know him. But as soon as I focused my attention on my walking, my feet began to be immersed in the salty water below.

I focused my attention back onto this man, just enough so that I’d get back on my feet again, so that I could continue walking on the water. I didn't need his help. I could do this on my own.

Eyes on my own feet, I paced faster. Only the faster I walked, the faster my feet sunk into the water. It was beyond frustrating!

“Why aren't you listening to me?” The man said. “Keep your eyes on me and I’ll keep you safe.”

Once again, I focused my attention on his face. My feet stopped slipping and I regained my balance. This time I kept my eyes on him for a little bit longer so that I could completely get back on my own feet. I left his eye contact.

My feet began to slip faster than they were before. I can do this on my own! I can do this on my own! I only need to think hard enough about it.

Suddenly, my waist was submerged in the water, too far for me to pull myself up. I needed help now. I called to him. “Please, save me. I’m going to drown! I shouldn't have tried to do this by myself. I should have listened to you! Please, I don’t want to die! I’m drowning!”

Immediately, a dry hand grabbed mine. He pulled me up, and then pulled me close to his chest. He leaned in to whisper something in my ear. “Why did you doubt, you of little faith?”

I started to sob. “I thought I could do it on my own, but now I realize that I can’t.”

“Don’t cry, dear one. I've got you now.” He said softly, wiping the tears from my eyes. “Now, let’s try this again. This time… keep your eyes on me.” 

God: The Maker of Beautiful Things

'cause I am a sinner

if it's not one thing, it's another 

caught up in words, tangled in lies

but You are a Savior

and You take brokenness aside

and make it beautiful, beautiful

(Brokenness Aside, All Sons and Daughters)

This has been a trait of God that I have admired for a long time, and it seems to have been following me around ever since I started seeking out characteristics of God. 

The most obvious place to view this characteristic of God is just simply walking outside your house. Now, I live in Winnipeg and it's currently winter and it's been a bit of a mild winter so there's dirty snow everywhere. Finding beauty in the middle of a mild, dirty winter in Winnipeg is a little difficult. But one morning, I woke up, got dressed, and walked to the bus stop just down the street from me, and I noticed that there was hoarfrost on the trees.

I realize that the above picture doesn't really do it justice (probably because it was taken with my old, dingy iPhone), but it captured the contrasted beauty nonetheless. There was such a beautiful tree beside what seemed like a very dirty, un-beautiful mess of a street. 

The second most obvious place to find a depiction of God's beautiful handiwork is on the very first book, very first chapter of the Bible. This is a story I have blogged about before and a story that has probably been preached on/talked about many, many, many times. I'm not going to write about how God created everything and it was good because everyone knows those obvious truths already. I just want to point out how the universe looked before God created a bunch of beautiful stuff. The universe was described as being "formless", "void", "dark", and "deep" (1:2). Those aren't exactly nice-sounding words. God took that formless, void, dark, and deep place and made it into something beautiful. 

I didn't realize until this past month that another place to find this characteristic of God is in history. God has been making beautiful things from crappy situations for as long as crappy situations have existed. A particular example of this would have to be the Holocaust. This was one of the worst tragedies of human history, and yet, there was still beauty hidden within the darkest of times. Such heartbreakingly beautiful stories of heroism and devotion to God came out of such a mess. Not to mention, the ending of the Holocaust resulted in the re-establishment of the nation of Israel, which the Jewish people hadn't seen for a very, very long time. 

Lastly, I believe the most important place you can see this characteristic of God is within the own workings of your life. Everyone sees the brokenness of life in different ways and in different places. There are broken hearts, broken people, broken relationships, broken families, broken nations, broken governments, and broken minds. But, fear not, God can make those things beautiful too. Tucked away in the book that proclaims that everything under the sun is meaningless, there is a verse that says, "He [God] has made everything beautiful in its time" (Eccl. 3:11). 

Our God has a knack for mending broken hearts. I, personally, have seen broken people be put back together by God's amazing grace. Broken relationships and broken families have been reconciled. Broken nations have proclaimed victory over their adversaries. Broken governments have been overthrown. Broken minds have been glued back together. 

So God is the maker of beautiful things. A simpler way to express this would've been to use the term "creator", but I didn't want to, because God is so much more than just a creator. Any old person can create things; I even create things. Believe me, if you ask any writer, painter, architect, chemist, engineer, activist, etc., they will tell you: not everything they create is beautiful. (Trust me, you wouldn't want to read some of the things I write.) 

So, not only does God create beautiful things, but He can orchestrate an ugly mess to look ravishing.  

Year of Simplicity & Discovering God

For those who have followed along with my sporadic blogging for the past few years, you know that I don't really believe in making new year's resolutions. Despite being a professional procrastinator, I believe that if you want to change something about yourself or your life, you should do it as soon as you wish it, instead of waiting for a new year. Because trust me, all you're doing in waiting for the new year to change is procrastinating.I know I'm being hypocritical in saying that, but just know that I'm actually mostly talking to myself when I'm writing these posts. 

I'm not calling this a new year's resolution because I started to try to implement this into my life when I first re-tweeted this picture back in November. I saw the below picture and instantly found it relevant to the struggles of my life.     

I have a really big problem with making my life more complicated than it needs to be, which I think is probably an issue for a lot of twentysomethings. The one that personally has the most impact on me is the fourth statement: Have questions? Ask. I have a bit of a pride thing where I don't like to ask questions if I don't understand something; I'm determined to figure it all out on my own. So I want to ask more questions. I'm at the point in my life where I have friends that are getting married and having babies and moving on with their busy lives and I miss them. So I want to make a point to stay in contact with them (though I still think it should be a two-way street). And various other applications these things have to my life which I won't go into. 

So here's to the Year of Simplicity. 

I'm also going to take the time to tell y'all about an epiphany I had last week (which I find kinda funny because last week was Epiphany). Last weekend, during church, something struck me. It didn't have anything to do with my pastor's sermon on listening prayer (though he said something that sparked my mind's bunny trail, which I don't exactly remember). Anyway, I feel like everyone wants to figure out who they are. That was my goal in 2013 (the Year of Independence) and frankly, I didn't get very far. I did this 30 things blog series where I answered questions about myself, but I realized last Sunday that if I asked myself those same questions this year, my answers would probably be different. It's impossible to figure out who you are because you change all the time. Lewis Carroll, in one of my all-time favourite books, writes, "I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass) 

This is very true. One of the characteristics of this world is impermanence. Our personalities change, our lives changes, our situations change. It's simultaneously wonderful and frustrating. But one of my favourite characteristics about God is that He doesn't change. (I briefly shared this on American thanksgiving as it was the one thing I was thankful for.) Hebrews states that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (13:8). In Malachi, the Lord promises "for I the Lord do not change" (3:6). So I want to focus on that this coming year. Instead of figuring out who I am (because that's a hopeless feat), I want to figure out who God is. I realize that I can't know everything about God but He promised in Jeremiah that those who seek Him will find Him (29:13). 

I believe that it's worth knowing who the God I worship and speak about actually is. 

I might post some of the things I'm learning on this blog, if I can successfully formulate my thoughts into words (which hasn't been my strong point lately). So here's what I propose: if you wish to hear about my realizations and such, keep reading this blog; if not, then don't.

I've been a Christian for 16 years (ish) and I still don't really know who God is. What's that about? 

So here's to the Year of Discovering God. 

The One Thing I'm Thankful For

In honor of American Thanksgiving... this is what I'm thankful for today:

1. I am thankful for a God who never changes because people in this world change all that time and it's exhausting.


That's it, that's all. Continue on with your lives.

A Rant About Stuttering

I need to rant today.

Things People Should Know About Stuttering:

1. Having a stutter DOES NOT make me less of a person. I have a flaw in the eyes of the world, big whoop, everyone does. Personally, I don't view it as a flaw, I view it as a challenge God has given me so that I can learn to be more dependent on Him.

2. I am NOT LESS CAPABLE of doing my job because I have a stutter. I may not speak as eloquently sometimes as some might hope, but it does not get in the way of me doing my job and being awesome at it.

3. It is not a SMALL problem. It's a big problem. It affects my life, it affects my decisions. I often order things in a restaurant based on whether or not I will stutter over a word. I've learned to quickly replace words during conversation if I know I'm going to have trouble with one. That's not small.

4. It has very little to do with NERVOUSNESS. I stutter because sometimes my vocal cords have trouble getting the word out, NOT because I'm nervous. I stutter in front of people I'm completely comfortable with. It has everything to do with the sound of the word.

5. Personally, the letter I have the most trouble with is J. Which, unfortunately, my name starts with. So if I'm introducing myself and I stutter over my own name, DON'T make a joke about me forgetting my own name. People have done that. Professional people have done that, and it's hurtful.

6. Please do not CORRECT me or HELP me out when I'm stuttering over a word. It's humiliating enough that I can't say a simple word. Don't say the word for me like I'm a child that doesn't know the word. I'm 21, I probably know the word. Let me get there. Teachers have done this.

7. This is one of the reasons I don't like to pray out loud. Yes, I know that God can understand what I'm trying to say, but He can also understand me when I pray silently. In my head.  

8. Listing off names of famous people who stuttered is NOT COMFORTING. I don't want to hear about Winston Churchill or that movie with Colin Firth. Different person, different situation.

9. Yes, I've tried speech-therapy-type things. Including that little "reading out loud every day" thing that helped Noah get over his stutter in the Notebook, so don't mention it.

10. And please don't say it's adorable. It's not adorable to me.


That is all, carry on.

A Very Present Help

I haven't written in a while. Not because I haven't had much to write about, rather I've had an abundance of things to write about, but none of which I felt like sharing with the world. I haven't wanted to write. But today I will. Because today I have something say.

I had a good day. Better than I've had in a while, for reasons I don't wish to discuss. I made it to my 8:30AM chemistry lab, where I actually had fun with the experiment for once. (Bonus: I also didn't set anyone or anything I wasn't supposed to on fire.) Afterwards, I got some coffee, had some food, and read about a third of the book I'm currently reading. I went to my chemistry lecture, where I actually was focused and attentive, and I understood everything my professor was teaching. I was home by 3 o'clock in the afternoon, where I received a letter telling me that I was granted a bursary of a good chunk of money for my student loan debt.

I went throughout my entire school day without once thanking God for my good day.

Why didn't I? After all, it was Him who created the interesting chemical reactions in lab. It was Him who made sure I didn't set anyone on fire. It was Him who provided the funds to buy the coffee, and the food, and the book. It was Him who directed my focus and helped me understand the lecture. It was ultimately Him who provided the bursary at an imperative time. When you chop it up and slice it and put it in a box, it was because of God that I had such a good day.

Then I read the news.

There was a terrible, awful, horrible, tragic event that occurred in our nation's capital. A young soldier was shot and killed, only 24 years old. That's only 3 years older than myself. He served and honored his country, he had a family. Another life taken too soon. So I felt compelled to pray for his family. This verse came to mind:

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

(Psalm 46:1)

God is a very present help in times of need. He does not abandon, He is not weak. I was struck by how appropriate this verse was regarding the situations in the world, and the situations in my own life. Within all the chaos, all the confusion, all the pain, all the hurt, all the trouble, God is present. That's something I take for granted. That is something I forget. And I'm positive that the word 'we' would also work in those two sentences. But... 

This God - his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

(Psalm 18:30)

We have a refuge, we have a shield, we have an oasis. Some situations (or days) can be terrible, we might think we're going crazy, we might think that nothing feels right. Life might feel tragic. But God is perfect, and He is present. That doesn't mean there's no chaos. Or confusion. Or pain, Or hurt. Or trouble. Or tragedy. It just means that there is a calm and there is a peace. 

It's kind of laughable how something I skimmed over last week is relevant for what I need today. I remembered a vision of sorts, or a picture, that someone received for me during prayer once at bible school. I have it written down somewhere I think, but it just popped into my mind last week, kind of without warning. In the "vision", I was running around in circles, trying to do multiple things at once and trying to balance every situation in my life. It was chaotic. I noticed that there was a wall and that Jesus was sitting there against it, watching me run around, trying to manage everything by myself. I asked Him why He wasn't helping me, but all He did was motion for me to come and sit beside Him. So I did, and we just sat and watched all the chaos together. I come from a rather conservative Mennonite background, where visions and things are kind of taboo, but apparently this one really stuck with me throughout the years. 

The point was, sometimes the way Jesus helps is by sitting with us and watching the chaos happen. That's a place where we can find peace. Some may argue that it's still too early in the year to talk about this verse, but it's encouraging anytime of the year.

...and his name [Jesus] shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace

there will be no end.

(Isaiah 9:6-7, excerpts)

Jesus is the prince of peace. AND He is a wonderful counselor. AND one day, peace will be forever and the chaos will be gone. 

Want some more good news? Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday, and He'll be the same tomorrow again. Good day or bad, He is present.   

21 on 21

So I started this thing last year where I write a post on my blog about wonderful things that happened in my life since my last birthday. Last year I turned 20 so I wrote 20 things, and this year I turned 21 so I'll write 21 things. So here it is...

21 Wonderful Things that Happened in my 21st Year of Life

1. I successfully completed my first year of university AND a session of summer school. Go me!

2. I got to be my best friend's maid of honour in her wedding last November.

3. I got to be in the bridal party when TWO of my great friends got married to each other in June.

4. I started going to a really great college & career group in the city.

5. I actually made a handful of friends this year, whether it be at school or through the wedding parties or through C&C.

6. I went to a concert with one of my closest friends in May, where we got to swooned over Dallas Green and his loveliness.

7. They introduced the 12th Doctor on Doctor Who and I have to say, from what I've seen so far, he is really good! I like him!

8. On that same note, they had the 50th anniversary special of DW and it was EPIC.

9. I got an A on the very first university exam that I wrote. (Hopefully that'll happen again this year.)

10. I became a gold member at Starbucks. (And even though she probably sees 1000+ students per day, the lady at the university Starbucks remembers my name and order.)

11. I've passed every chemistry course I've taken. (I really suck at chemistry, that's why it's wonderful.)

12. I've added 3 more penguins to my collection of stuffed penguins. (I think that makes 10.)

13. I got a Jets sweater for Christmas. Go Jets go!

14. In February, it marked 50 years since The Beatles took America by storm, so they had a great concert tribute to them on TV where the two still living Beatles (Paul and Ringo) reunited!

15. I read 25 great books! (7 of those books were the Harry Potter series.)

16. I went out and had a super fun night at The Keg and coffee at McDonald's all dressed up and fancy with a whole bunch of friends in February to celebrate three of their birthdays!

17. Jackson and April got married on Grey's Anatomy. (Yes, that's wonderful. I've been waiting for it for about 2 years.)

18. I attended my very first University of Manitoba Bisons game! (We won, of course.)

19. My older brother preached in church last November and it was fantastic!

20. I went back to volunteer at Cedarwood THREE times and I went on a retreat there TWICE. And I had incredible amounts of fun all five times I was there.

21. The Canadian women's hockey team played a stellar game for gold in the Olympics and they won in overtime! The most intense game ever. (Oh and the men's team won gold too!) We are winter.


I wonder what year 22 has in store for me!  

A Reminder You Might Need...

I needed a reminder this week 

and I thought maybe there were some others that could use this reminder too.   

From Younger Janessa

It's interesting how God chooses to speak to you. It's interesting how He can give someone just the right words to speak truth into your life. It's funny how sometimes that person is a different version of yourself.

I got a letter today. A letter I don't even remember writing. A letter that my 18-year-old self wrote to my future self. Apparently, my today self. A letter I wrote while I was at Capernwray. I don't remember what time during the year I wrote this letter. (I suspect near the end of my time at Capernwray because I sound surprisingly knowledgeable and really mature.) A letter full of reminders.

Honestly, this reminder from my younger self couldn't have possibly come at a better time. I needed this reminder. I needed it. I'm not gonna lie. I've compromised. I've strayed away. Not entirely, but enough that it bothers me. And I guess there's nothing really else to say except to share what the letter said.


Dear Older Janessa, 

God will take you to some dark places. Life will throw you some lemons. People will come and go like seasons. Circumstances change all the time. Sometimes life just isn't fair. But despite these uncertainties in life, I want you to know that God doesn't ever change. He's bigger than the dark places, the seasons of loneliness, and the changing circumstances. And frankly, He makes amazing lemonade when given lemons. Always remember this truth everywhere you go: "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." Whatever lies and misleadings Satan may bombard you with, God's truth is bigger and better. 

I want to remind you that as a child of God, you are saved from the wrath and judgment to come. "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." Hardships and tribulation will come, God promises us that, but we are sealed by His blood and He will protect us from whatever we need to be protected from. "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory?" Death is not our defeat, it is our victory. 

Remember that God is the owner and provider of everything. He owns all the money in the world and He entrusts it to whom He pleases. He possesses all the strength in the world and He gives it freely to those who seek it. He holds all the joy in the world and He blesses His children with it. Run to Him for everything you need. "He will supply all of your needs according to the riches and glory in Christ Jesus." 

You are the exact person that God intended you to be. You are beautiful because He made you in His image and He is beautiful. He made you a more quiet and reserved person because He intends to use that personality through you to display His glory. He gave you a stutter because He knew that that would cause you to rely on Him completely. And only when you rely on Him completely are you truly who He made you to be. 

As you are out doing the work of the Lord, I want to remind you who your focus point is: the Lord of the work. 1 Peter 4:11 says, "Whoever speaks, speak as though they are oracles from God; whoever serves, serve as one who serves by the strength that God supplies." 

Yours truly, 
18-year-old Janessa 


I forgot how much God changed and transformed me two years ago. This was a good reminder. It's amazing that God prompted me to write to myself about changing circumstances, seasons of loneliness, dark places, and people coming and going from my life because that's everything I'm facing right now. 18 year old me seemed so put together. I wish 20 year old me was more like that.

God is bigger. God is better. God is brighter.
I need to remember that.

And I hope that this letter can be an encouragement to other people that happen across this blog post during their own dark places and seasons of loneliness.

Thank you for reading.  

Day 15: This is How We Roll

Day 15. A song you love singing along to

Chosen: This is How We Roll by Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan

There's so many good songs out there that I love to sing along to! So, I decided to go with the most recent one. I've chosen This is How We Roll by Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan. Pretty much anything by FGL or Luke Bryan makes me want to turn up the radio when their songs come on and belt them out. So a song with BOTH of them TOGETHER? Yes please. 

We're proud to be young 

We stick to our guns 

We love who we love and we wanna have fun

We cuss on them Mondays 

Pray on them Sundays 

Pass it around and we dream about one day

Up next: A song that has made you cry (granted I can actually think of one)

Day 14: For the Nights I Can't Remember

Day #14. Your favourite love song(s)

Chosen: For the Nights I Can't Remember by Hedley

For any of you who are keeping track, or for those of you who have done this list thingy before, you will notice that I changed it for today, for obvious reasons. It was originally "A song that reminds you of your current girlfriend/boyfriend", so to keep up with the theme, I thought I would do my favourite love songs. 

My favourite love song is For the Nights I Can't Remember by the Canadian band Hedley. I know, this may seem like a weird choice. There's just something about this song. It's gotta be the live version though, not the album version. Maybe it's the piano, maybe it's Hoggard's singing. I don't actually know. As I said, there's just something about this song that gets me right in the romance-y place.

  

A close second would be A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope. For this one, it is definitely the piano melody that does it for me (with a mix of it being featured in an episode of The Vampire Diaries where it so perfectly fit with the scene).

And then a very close third would be If I Fell by The Beatles.

Coming up next: A song you love singing along to 

Day 13: I Don't Love You

Well that was a bit of a hiatus. Almost completely unintentional. A mixture of stress, final exams, not knowing what to write about, and job searching caused that two-ish month lull to happen. I'm going to continue with the 25 songs thing I was doing before (I only made it halfway though) because I really like talking about music. If you haven't noticed.

Day #13: A song that reminds you of a former friend

Chosen: I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance 

I could have picked any My Chemical Romance song for this one, but I decided to go for a more mellow one of their songs that actually got a fair amount of radio airplay. Back in the eighth grade (and ninth grade too), my friends and I were obsessed with this band, that's why I decided to go with this one. Any MCR song reminds me of my friend back then, Leigh-Anne. I think this was the only band we listened to for a while. She and I have since parted ways, not entirely sure why, happened some time in high school, but these songs bring back memories of her friendship. Ahhhh, nostalgia. 

I Don't Love You came off of the album The Black Parade, which in my opinion is their best album. Many people will argue for Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, but I will respectfully tell them that they are wrong.

Other honorable mentions from this album include: Famous Last Words, Disenchanted, Welcome to the Black Parade, and the so-many-feelings-tear-jerker Cancer.

Ahhhh, Frank Iero. What a beaut.

Next: Your favorite love song

The Non-Existent Middle Path

Obvious lessons are often the most difficult to swallow.

I've been reading through the book of Genesis in my devotions lately. It's amazing how something you've read a hundred and one times in your life can become real for you again, or you can learn something new from stories you've heard your whole life.

About two weeks ago I was reading chapter 4 in Genesis. Every Christian knows this story. The story of the first murder. Cain and Abel are brothers. Cain brings an unacceptable offering to the Lord, whereas the offering that Abel brings is pleasing in the Lord's sight. Cain got angry and killed his little brother. The Lord sees Cain's unrepentant sin and banishes him to a different land, but not without branding on Cain a mark of protection (which really says something awesome about God's love for us and his grace). Needless to say, this isn't really a nice story. And, if I remember correctly, this is where the story stopped in Sunday school class when I was younger. Probably because there's a genealogy next, and who wants to read those, right?

But the genealogy contains a very vital part of the story. It tells us how Cain had a son, built a city, and thus started a line of descendants, which eventually came to a man named Lamech. Lamech was a polygamist, he had two wives. He also killed a man. Lamech was a sinful man. After the mention of Lamech, the story swings back over to the first family. Adam and Eve had another son and named him Seth. The story ends with verse 26, saying that "people began to call upon the name of the Lord".

Something I often forget is that the Bible is actually a story. From beginning to end, it's a story about the redemption of Jesus. This is something that was pointed out to me in bible school. The reason that I often forget it's a story is because I don't ever really read it in order. I pick sections or books from here and there and I read those, but I hardly ever read it from the beginning. What I realized this time through is that chapter 4 is not actually the story of the first murder. I mean, obviously, it is, but that's not the major premise of the story. The first murder shouldn't really be that relevant because we've already been introduced to sin. We saw that in the previous story, with Adam and Eve. This chapter outlines the next step: the growth of sin and the forging of two paths. The path of sin (and death) and the path of life.

Read further into the Bible and you realize that this is a very common theme throughout. Deuteronomy 31 explains that one must choose between the path of life and the path of death. Joshua 24 challenges us to choose whom we serve: the one true God or the gods of our land. Skip forward to Matthew 7 where Jesus tells us about a narrow gate, which leads to life, and a wide gate, which leads to destruction. Notice how there's only ever two options to pick from? There's no third option, there's no middle ground or middle path. The closest thing I can think of as a middle between life and death is dying. Which FYI... still leads to death. Jesus also doesn't tell us about a "moderately-sized" gate.

So why do we, myself included, think we can forge our own path down the middle?

This week I was sitting in one of my classes, waiting for it to start. I don't like eavesdropping on other people's conversations, but sometimes they talk so loudly that anyone around them can hear what they're saying. The three girls in front of me were talking about where they wanted to pierce themselves and their intimate, for lack of a better word, dating lives. While I was trying to switch my focus onto something else, I stumbled upon something very interesting. The girls in the row in front of me were talking about these inappropriate things, but the girls behind me were openly talking about what God had been doing in their lives this week. God directed my thoughts to this two paths thing I'd been reading about and kind of gently nudged me in the heart saying "this is what I'm talking about". I was caught in the middle of two vastly different conversations, coming from two vastly different worlds.

Why is this so significant to me? Because this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm not even going to try to beat around the bush or lie to you... I'm a worldly person. I like this world. I love music and I listen to some music that I probably shouldn't. I enjoy movies and TV shows, but I know I watch some that, again, I probably shouldn't. The biggest dream I have in my life is to travel. I want to see the world and it sometimes actually physically pains me that I'm too broke to do so right now. All of these things aren't bad things, in and of themselves, but the problem is that I let them fill me up until there's no more room for Jesus.

I've been starting to make some changes in my life regarding this. I can't cold turkey music and movies, but I have learned how to slowly lessen it. I've started to read more books instead of watching movies and such. I've even challenged myself to read 50 books this year. I've also made a point to look for better and cleaner music. (FYI, you come across some very good hipster music this way.)

Why do I do this? Not because I want to go to heaven. Not because I want to be a "better" Christian. Not because I want to appear better to other people, because appearance means very little. I do this because God loved me, a sinner, enough to orchestrate an elaborate plan of redemption that includes sacrificing his own son. If he can do that, I can do this.

As I stated earlier, obvious lessons are often the most difficult to swallow.

Question:
Have you walked through the narrow gate leading to life, or are you still wandering around trying to find a "moderately sized" one?