The Account of My Discontentment

Wow, I've been a thoroughly bad blogger this past month. But in my defense, my computer hasn't quite been working as well as it usually has for a while. Long story short, my laptop is currently getting fixed somewhere while I sit here at home typing this post on the loaner one that Best Buy gave me.

I realized that I haven't posted something in almost a month! And April has been a frantic month, filled with all sorts of things to share with everyone. I'll probably share over a few posts...

First thing... we have some pre-season staff that have come in! I've only known a few of them for two days now, but they are awesome people. Just hilarious, and we have a good time together. I also finally have a roommate! Chantale! (Only for a month because my last day is at the end of May.)

The main thing I wanted to talk about was my trip back to Capernwray! It feels like it was a long time ago, but I only got home last week Tuesday. It was so different. It was weird going to a place that felt so familiar, but it also felt like all the "wrong" people were there. First off, there were more than just 3 males there this year. There's an even amount of girls and guys, so that made for a whole new atmosphere. It was fun talking with some of the students there this year about the places they've been (or the lack of places they've been, in one guy's case).

It's funny how even when you're not expecting it at all, God speaks to you. (Honestly, I'm surprised that I'm still surprised about this anymore because it's happened a lot.) When I left for Capernwray, I knew that I was wanting to go back there because I wanted to be spiritually revived. If I'm being completely honest, I've been going through a serious case of spiritual dryness for the past who-even-knows-how-long. I have ups and downs. (Well, I mean, everyone does.) During my up moments, I really shouldn't make decisions. My hair is a dark shade of purple right now because of a spontaneous and not-so-thought-out decision I made when I was having a really up kind of day. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. Honestly, I'm not sure entirely sure of the point I'm trying to make...

The day I arrived at Capernwray, I prayed and asked God to speak to me. I wanted to hear His voice, because it seemed like I hadn't heard it for a long time. (Although now, looking back, it's more like I wasn't really listening for it.) All I really wanted was for Him to say something that would bother me. I don't mean bother me in a bad way either. I mean bother me in an I-can't-sleep-because-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-it, this-is-gonna-revolutionize-my-way-of-thinking kind of way. And let me tell you, God delivered. The very first morning.

Thursday mornings at Capernwray are men's and women's devotion times (that's where we get Mennonite and separate into genders and have a devotion time together, as different genders). My friend Janaya (she went for year 2) was leading it that Thursday and she talked about contentment. Now, when I first heard the topic of the devotion, I pretty much shrugged it off because I didn't think I had an issue with not being content. (At Capernwray last year, a huge thing that I was learning was stepping out of my zone of comfort and contentment in life, so I thought my problem was that I was too content with my life.) But the thing that I realized about myself is that I'm not. I don't even remember the last time I was content in life. For years and years, I lived in the past. I would relive past memories, past mistakes, and past regrets. Then I was convicted of this self-destructive way of living, lived in the present for a very brief period of time between Capernwray and summer, then I moved on to living in the future. And I haven't been content since. I'm always looking to the future. The moment I arrive at the next step in my life, I'm looking for the next thing I'm gonna do.

Yes, living in the past is self-destructive, but living in the future is just as much I think. I'm missing out on the awesome opportunities that God has for me right now. Right here in this very moment. This is an area of my life that really needs work...

That's all I'm going to write for tonight, because honestly, what I just wrote doesn't even fully make sense to me, I'm not even sure if I got my point across, or made a point at all, and it's late, and I'm really tired. But my next post I'm going to write about going to see the Watoto Children's Choir while in Quebec and the bothersome thoughts I got from that. (Once again, not bothersome in a bad way.)

Never Been So Sorry

Today was Work Day. I thought I'd tell you a little bit about my work days, which I love. We have three different teams: kitchen, domestics, and maintenance. We usually switch teams every two weeks. For the last four weeks I've been on the maintenance team! Today, we completed our project from last week: digging out a trench for water to drain down in the spring. That consumed the whole morning, then in the afternoon, we stacked wood! Not gonna lie, I feel pretty beefy right now!

I've been on all three work day teams, and not surprisingly, kitchen was my favourite. We got to help cook stuff and do food prep stuff. I was in my zone!

I'm sitting in the designated "laptop room" within our girl's dorm, listening to The Band Perry, and remembering some good times. I'm pretty tired, despite the four cups of coffee I've had today. I usually only have two a day! My roommates are getting concerned about my coffee intake!

Today I was thoroughly disgusted by something I did a couple years ago. I was super close with this guy in grade nine and grade ten, and we had liked each other for a while. Well, you know how Facebook message center now stores all your messages from someone in one thread? Today I came across this thread, and for memory lane sake, I read it. I can't even describe what I read in correct words. I was SO mean to him. I lectured him on the tiniest stupidest little things. And in grade ten when I knew he liked me, I pretty much rubbed it in his face that I was dating someone else...

I know that this blog entry seems very juvenile compared to some others, but I thought I'd share that. I want this blog to be a place where I can be open about my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could go back and be nicer to him, but unfortunately life isn't like that. I can't apologize to him, because I'm fairly certain that he hates me now. (When he stopped talking to me, I was shocked because I didn't understand why. Now I know why...)

The one thing that really bothers me is this: I could've totally turned him away from Christ. I told him I was a Christian, we had amazing talks about Christ back in the day, but I wasn't living it. How I treated him could've been a factor in how he views Christ now. He wasn't entirely fond of Christ back then, imagine what he thinks now? After a supposed "Christian" treated him like dirt?

This whole thought process seems very selfish, but I'm just being honest.

I hope he knows that I'm truly sorry. If I wasn't actually sorry the thousand times I apologized to him, I am sorry now. I've been convicted. And I don't even think there'd be a 0.1% chance of him reading this blog, telling him how sorry I am. I feel horrible about this situation.

I pray that I'm not ever as mean to anyone ever again.

Sorry for the rather downer blog entry, but I needed to let out some built up emotion.
Thank you for reading, if you even made it through!

Love,
Janessa